Monday, April 13, 2009

An open letter to Al Franken, from Senator Coleman

Dear Al Franken,


Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pleeeeeeaaaaase!!

C'mon, Al, I legally changed my name to Senator for this. I got a tattoo on my ankle that says Senator for life. I told my wife that I already won.

I really really want this, Al. Please be nice. I did you wrong before, I'll never do you wrong again. What if I made you secretary of greatness? I could buy you lunch every day for a year! And I'm talking Chipotle... I'll take you to Chipotle every day for a year if you left me have this. Just let me have this. I was here first, and I like it here... my office smells like juniper berries if you smell just right.


If you say yes, I'll let you play in my couch fort with Boehner and I. It's an exclusive club, Al! But you can't bring girls. The girls will make the legislation move at a slow, stupid pace.

Let me know about my offer. I'll even chip in extra so you can get guac on your burrito. If I was in your shoes, I'd do it.

Your friend,

Senator XOXO

P.S. Pretty please with a cherry on top.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

You want to play hardball, Al?!


Alright Al,

You want to play hardball? FINE! Let's play hardball. I got the goods, and you know it! You're stupid. You're just an incredibly stupid stupid face. What? I went there. You're just a big pile of stupid.

That's right, Al. I've been training, getting ready for you. If we can't handle this in the courts, and I'm pretty sure we can't, we should take this on in the ring. Here's a little video I made for you, to show how hard I've been training. I'm the good guy in this video, not the pinko commie. Thats you, because you are the one who's a stupid head.

There. You see the point I'm trying to make here? Coleman will defeat you in the end, and even though our trainings mirror each other in a frighteningly similar manner, I will end up ahead, because I'm Norm Coleman. I don't train in pansy gyms... I drag sleds behind me like a BEAR! YOU HEAR ME FRANKEN?! A BEAR!

Oh, and also, I went to court yesterday and legally changed my name to Senator. I am now Senator Coleman. How can I not win?!

-Senator Coleman

Monday, January 5, 2009

Alright Al... lets calm down... I won...


Hello Minnesota!

Well it seems that Al Franken just can't get his head wrapped around the fact that I am in fact the winner in this race. C'mon Al... Minnesota needs a Senator, so the faster you could concede the better. The crowd roars and summons their elected Senator, Norm Coleman.

So let's calm down Al... I won... we all agree... its just a question of when you'll realize it, thats all. But to help you out, lets look at the facts:

  1. I won on Nov. 4th when I said I won. If I know history (and I think I do Al... lol) most of what America was founded on was a sort of first come first serve thing. Kind of why we own the moon now. Do you understand where I'm coming from? I said I won... and I was under the strict idea that we were running on a "no take-backs" platform.
  2. There are missing ballots. End of story. There are a couple hundred ballots missing. Now I know what you're going to say, the number of ballots just don't equal the number of "votes" I'm "behind." Well, lets get real Al, obviously your inexperience shines through again. Lets remember the law that some ballots are worth 1.5 their worth. You probably haven't heard of the law, its one only Washington insiders know... also I created it in my office two weeks ago when John Boehner and I were hanging out in my couch fort.
  3. How could Minnesota elect a Senator who's teeth aren't perfectly aligned to a point that makes people uncomfortable. I can wield my power well, because my teeth are so gosh darn perfect.
Minnesota needs a Senator Al, so stop this silly "recount" charade. I know that if I were in your shoes I would.

-Senator Norm Coleman.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Coleman beats Franken!


Dear supporters,

We have done it! Our long, arduous journey to reclaim the Minnesota senate seat has come to a fruitful end. I am pleased to announce that I, Senator Norm Coleman, will be representing Minnesota in Washington for the next six years. It is a true honor, and a blessing.

Now, I'd like to address this issue of my competitor, Al Franken. I've said it before, and I'll write it here as well. You've run a good campaign, you were a worthy challenger, and I wish you the best as you head out to your next endeavor. And of course, you're more than welcome to bring about a recount, but I don't think its something that the state of Minnesota would want to deal with. I know that were I in your position I would certainly sit back, accept defeat, and allow Minnesota to have a Senator starting January of 2009. I would certainly never want to drag this process on anymore than it already has. So, Mr. Franken, I accept your concession, and hope that we can move forward without delay.

To Minnesota: I will serve you to the best of my ability, and bring you six years of honesty and commitment. Lets move forward, and bring prosperity to this country.

Here's to the next six years!

-Senator Elect Norm Coleman